The weighting game.

Someday’s I struggle with my weight, and today is one of those days. I woke up this morning and decided to get on the scale, and the numbers looking back at me weren’t that impressive to say the least. I immediately had to check my ego at the door since the first thought in my head almost immediately was I need to lose some fucking weight!! But unlike so many other times in the past, today I didn’t start down that negative road of negative thinking. I just decided I didn’t want to go there. Instead I decided to gently remind myself that I am beautiful despite what those numbers say, and that those numbers looking back at me really don’t measure how beautiful I am anyways.

BUT~ heres what I have noticed today. I came upstairs to eat something for breakfast and instead of just getting my breakfast ready I instead turned over the package to read how many calories were in it. And I normally could care less because the days of counting every single calorie that I have consumed for the day are far behind me? Or at least I thought? So this little exercise in calorie counting went on periodically throughout the day, and while I noticed how many calories were in certain foods it didn’t deter me from eating them. I did however change-up my dressing for some fresh squeezed lemon juice instead. So, again I guess todays exercise gave me some insight on areas where I could improve upon what it is that I am consuming throughout the day. But, again what is it exactly that I am striving for here? I do want to become more mindful of the things that I am eating, but at the same time I don’t want to revert back into a rigid, judgmental, and calorie consumed maniac. I have done that for most of my life, and I absolutely hated it, and I hated what it did to my body. Sure I was skinny, but I sure in the hell wasn’t happy. And now at least I can say that I am happy, and maybe I could stand to lose a few pounds by todays standards, but again why? I honestly have never felt better in my whole entire life, and I don’t want to lose that feeling! Every day is not perfect, but I try my best to be mindful of everything that I eat, and yes I am an emotional eater and I am learning ways to counter act that as well. It’s just funny noticing the story line that plays unconsciously throughout my head when it comes to food and my body because I grew up feeling that the only way my presence would ever be validated was if I was beautiful and skinny enough. And that same story gets triggered every single fucking time I get back on the scale. And no matter how hard I try I still want to try to control, manipulate, and find subtle ways to trick my body into losing weight. And honestly I gotta just learn to accept that truth. I need to surrender into that space of loving kindness, and reassure myself- every step of the way that I am okay just the way I am….

To be continued.

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Break free.

breaking-freeGuilt still haunts me from the inside out.

That broken, indescribable filth that washes over my body as I climax penetrates every cell of my body.

The tables have turned, but yet my body still hasn’t learned to make peace with a past-littered with sexual encounters that bore pieces into my already broken soul. The show must go on they say, but the guilt still makes its way into the here and now. Such a beautiful gift that is somehow still tainted with thoughts of betrayal and misfortune. The memories of how things happened still haunt me. The images, the feelings, still make their way into my bedroom. Your eyes still penetrate through my soul. The memories of your touch, make my skin crawl. The whispers of your name, make my heart weep. The sexual abuse I endured all those years just for the sake of being liked-killed me. Hopeless and alone I didn’t dare speak of the abuse in fear of what others would think of me. I decided a long time ago, to let you all go free, but I still feel the weight of your touch and the sensation of your fingertips.

You choose me. And I have never been chosen before. You knew of my innocence, and wanted a taste of my soul. I tried to pretend as if it was okay, even when my body said yes, but my mind still said no! Lost and alone with no one to talk to I slowly began to die that day.

The sexual abuse started at a very young age, and it varied with so many different sexual exploits/encounters over the years. This is just one layer of many of my sexual abuse history. And the pain, guilt, and shame are still very real, but I am learning how to cope with the range of emotions that these experiences invoke in me. I am learning how to be present with myself and with these raw emotions. I am learning how to be gentle and compassionate with myself when those memories make their way back into my mind and my bedroom.

I have also learned to accept that those struggles do not define me as a person or as a women. My story is not unique unfortunately… But I hope that my story may inspire someone else to begin their healing journey. It’s never easy to uncover and unlock all those painful memories, but trust that you are okay and good enough- right here, right now-regardless of what you may have been told or what you may have experienced.

 

 

The poison of pain.

It’s uncomfortable to be in the presence of someone who is constantly judging you, especially when that person is you.

I have realized over time that I was the one who did the most harm to myself. I was the one who was/is constantly telling myself that I am not worthy or enough, and that I need to strive to do better or be better than I already am. Its my inner world/voice that dictates what kind of life I will live. And that life has been one of extreme ups and downs. A life filled with addiction after addiction because I have never felt good enough to choose otherwise. A life filled with chaos, depression, and anxiety just to name a few. A woman who was afraid to be seen in all her glory for being strong, smart, unique, and sensitive. A soul that was filled with so much darkness because I didn’t feel as if I deserved the goodness that the light offered me. The torment and destruction that was self-inflicted, because the mere thought of being sober and present to the here and now was never something that I felt I deserved to experience. I wanted to run away as fast as I possibly could. I wanted to drink as much liquor and do as many hard drugs that my body would allow so that I could numb that underlying current of guilt and shame. I carried so much trauma and emotional abuse that I couldn’t bear to be alone in silence. The voices deafened me. They made me pick up again and again. The madness and pain I felt would only distance itself from me temporarily until I could no longer bear witness to the shame and blame that my inner child grew up knowing. So alone and afraid of being hurt and kept silent. I turned on myself. I became the keeper and the master of my own self~destructive behavior. I felt I deserved the pain and suffering that my addiction offered. It gave freely. My addiction only needed me to keep silent and to keep using. And I did, until I could no longer burn in the silent prison that kept me safe for all those years.

And finally I learned how set myself free….

it’s okay.

Opening myself up to living the best sober life possible seems easy enough, expect for that tiny little voice of unworthiness that seems to always creep back into the dark corners of my mind. I know that I seem to trip over this ongoing conversation in my head quite frequently, but there is still something that I am not getting or some lesson that I am unable to grasp? Take for example earlier today, I found myself feeling really inadequate compared to other sober bloggers online and how it seemed that they have no problem putting their shit out for the world to see. And then theirs me, who contemplated on making my blog completely private today. So instead of me owning my voice and my truth, I again let that voice of self-doubt and unworthiness to put me back into that space/corner.

And hiding isn’t new to me. I wrote the book on how to divert attention away from myself. I am an introvert by nature along with being an empath/highly sensitive person, so needless to say that I avoid the spotlight at all costs. And I now know that’s why I started drinking, bingeing, and abusing drugs in the first place. Because I didn’t want to be seen or heard. I also never felt like anyone was really listening in the first place. And I did good-by just being beautiful, and in my mind that was enough. I didn’t need to voice my opinion or cause trouble by expressing my truth because I learned early on that my feelings/truth didn’t matter anyways. So its understandable how I still find myself struggling to find my place in the world when I have never felt like I belonged here to begin with.

But, now at least things are starting to feel a little different for me. But, again I still sit on that teeter totter hovering somewhere in between feeling courageous and wanting to withdraw back into the safety of my shell. And I am learning that is okay to. And besides, I don’t have to have it all figured out today. Whats the rush, right?

The struggle is real.

I am surrendering to what is, instead of what I feel needs to be. And I feel stuck. I am stuck in my head about all the ways that I feel I don’t measure up to those around me. I feel inadequate. I feel alone and desperate to be seen, but at the same time remain anonymous.

I am looking for the signs that are pointing me in what direction I need to go and I feel torn. I am lost, alone, and afraid to step out into the unknown yet again with no wings to fly and no one to catch me if I fall. The ground is shaky at best and it whispers for me to hold on for this to shall pass. But will it? Will I make it back again to the safety and comfort of the same place that I have called home for so long? Or will I allow these voices in my head to continue to hurt and belittle me? How do I evict those who have hurt and made fun of me in the past? How do I rise above their own projections to stand up tall and proud to be myself once and for all? How do I make sense of all this madness that’s going on right now? How do I once and for all break free from these voices in my head that tell me that I am not good enough, smart enough, or thin enough to share my voice?

Yet again, here I am desperate for answers to questions that have kept me locked up inside my head for so long. Wandering when that answer will come? And when it does will it be enough to satisfy me?

Letting go…

fullsizerender-17In order to let go, you must first acknowledge that the pain is there in the first place. Which for me has never been an easy task. I have spent years, over half of my life trying to numb, drink, and/or hide away from the emptiness that I have felt most of my life. And it wasn’t until recently that I discovered where a big source of emptiness stemmed from.

I was eight years old when it happened, and my life would forever be changed from that moment on. I remember returning from a trip up north from Michigan to attend a funeral of my Uncle Clayton whom had just passed away unexpectedly. It was spring break as well, and upon returning I was looking forward to spending some time with my best friend in the whole entire world, Jennifer. Her and I were inseparable, and we shared this bond that I thought would never be broken, but I was wrong. And that moment in time stands out so clearly in my mind. I see myself getting out of the car and running up to the front door to be greeted by my Step-dad who appears to be in distress, and what follows next just broke me in places that I never knew existed. He informed my Mother and I, that Jennifer had passed away over the weekend, and that I couldn’t go play with her anymore! I was devastated. I vividly remember feeling so lost and confused. So many emotions running through my body and my mind, and that’s when the void/emptiness of my life began.

I now know that I never fully recovered from the loss of my best friend. I tried so hard to make sense of something that didn’t make any sense. I tried so hard to figure out how to bring her back, even pretending that she was my imaginary friend. I also remember blaming myself for her death, because if I had not been out-of-town maybe she wouldn’t have went to her Mom’s house and died of smoke inhalation. Such a tragedy at such a young age and with no one to talk to, or learn how to process those emotions, it left me feeling empty inside.

I held on so long to her and to those memories of us playing, pretending, and even imagining what it would be like as adults when we had our own kids. She was like a sister that I never had, and she stuck up for me when the other neighborhood kids would pick on me. She loved me for me and I loved her for her.

Needless to say I didn’t have very many close friends after her death. I have almost always found myself walking this path alone. And at times that has been extremely hard and depressing, but it has also given me an inner strength, and an inner knowing of just how important it is to be my own best friend first. But that’s not what life teaches us, or at least not me. We have been conditioned to believe that we are not somebody until somebody loves us. Or that you have to be popular, extroverted, and liked by everyone you meet. Which it simply is not true. Because I for one have found the most fulfillment in learning how to love and appreciate the person I am, instead of trying to seek and gain the approval of others to validate my existence. And its hard going against the grain, but I would rather walk this path alone than with those that don’t respect and honor the person that I am…