Someday’s I struggle with my weight, and today is one of those days. I woke up this morning and decided to get on the scale, and the numbers looking back at me weren’t that impressive to say the least. I immediately had to check my ego at the door since the first thought in my head almost immediately was I need to lose some fucking weight!! But unlike so many other times in the past, today I didn’t start down that negative road of negative thinking. I just decided I didn’t want to go there. Instead I decided to gently remind myself that I am beautiful despite what those numbers say, and that those numbers looking back at me really don’t measure how beautiful I am anyways.
BUT~ heres what I have noticed today. I came upstairs to eat something for breakfast and instead of just getting my breakfast ready I instead turned over the package to read how many calories were in it. And I normally could care less because the days of counting every single calorie that I have consumed for the day are far behind me? Or at least I thought? So this little exercise in calorie counting went on periodically throughout the day, and while I noticed how many calories were in certain foods it didn’t deter me from eating them. I did however change-up my dressing for some fresh squeezed lemon juice instead. So, again I guess todays exercise gave me some insight on areas where I could improve upon what it is that I am consuming throughout the day. But, again what is it exactly that I am striving for here? I do want to become more mindful of the things that I am eating, but at the same time I don’t want to revert back into a rigid, judgmental, and calorie consumed maniac. I have done that for most of my life, and I absolutely hated it, and I hated what it did to my body. Sure I was skinny, but I sure in the hell wasn’t happy. And now at least I can say that I am happy, and maybe I could stand to lose a few pounds by todays standards, but again why? I honestly have never felt better in my whole entire life, and I don’t want to lose that feeling! Every day is not perfect, but I try my best to be mindful of everything that I eat, and yes I am an emotional eater and I am learning ways to counter act that as well. It’s just funny noticing the story line that plays unconsciously throughout my head when it comes to food and my body because I grew up feeling that the only way my presence would ever be validated was if I was beautiful and skinny enough. And that same story gets triggered every single fucking time I get back on the scale. And no matter how hard I try I still want to try to control, manipulate, and find subtle ways to trick my body into losing weight. And honestly I gotta just learn to accept that truth. I need to surrender into that space of loving kindness, and reassure myself- every step of the way that I am okay just the way I am….
To be continued.